Create, Share and Generate
As a father, son, friend, entrepreneur, leader, and Christian gay man, every day I awaken blessed to have a loving family, generous friends, and a powerful faith in God. My family nurtured, loved and encouraged me through the many trials and tribulations of childhood and adolescence; providing me with a foundation on which I created Kyle, the individual.
I believe life is a series of choices, and it is the choices I make that create the life I live. I have many choices ahead of me. Having a fulfilled life is mine for the taking, and all I need to do to create the life I want is declare it to everyone who will listen.
I began my journey to fulfillment when I created my mantra, Living with the Top Down. However, when I began sharing the mantra, it took on a life of its own. My life changed forever once I started sharing it with others. I found that people want me to have what I want, because it gives them hope toward the future they want.
I have a sign above my desk that says; If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. That thought process brought fulfillment of my own personal dream through creating a possibility, sharing with an open heart, and generating a commitment to the fulfillment of others.
As a blessed being, I feel my blessings come from my ability to find love and generosity in almost every situation. Through the good times, and the bad, I have discovered who I am, while learning from the challenges and embracing the successes. I am committed to making a difference in the world through truth-filled conversations, and fully expressing myself through my two passions: God and writing.
Personally, I choose to take a daily inventory of my life, and if joy and abundance is absent from my being [who I say I am in the world], it is obviously missing in the world with which I have contact. Once I see what is absent, I put it in place and re-commit to having joy and abundance in every aspect of my life, and, therefore, empowering the world with joy and abundance. The power of being responsible [a personal choice through commitment, obligation, or duty] and accountable [a public assertion for what I choose to be responsible] is the most important aspect of my integrity. When I am fully connected to the love and acceptance in my life, I experience my bliss. However, when I examine my life, and find an aspect of personal integrity missing, I challenge myself to deal with things as they come up instead of stuffing them deep into my personal affliction, food addiction.
I struggle with incompleteness. A part of me wonders with all the transformational work to which I’ve committed my life, shouldn’t I be done? However, I fully accept that I am far from complete. My choices define who I am, and as the spiritual being living the human experience, I constantly struggle with the matter of choice.
Those two little words, I AM, are most powerful. For the words that follow I AM create the world in which I live. I am responsible for the words I speak. It is the idle chatter that interrupts the I AM conversation. I AM committed that everyone live a life they love.
Living a life that I love comes from declaring what will be and then being the declaration in the world. It is the words that come out of my mouth which creates the world in which I live. If I am committed listening to hate and violence, then hate and violence are welcome in my life. However, a commitment to love and nurturing creates a world of love and nurturing.
I did not come upon this thought process overnight. I have been very fortunate to have been a part of Landmark Education (LE), and it is through my course work with LE, and deep introspection into my past and present, that I have been able to acknowledge who I AM, and design the future I am stepping into.
I would love to share my personal experiences with you as I uncovered my personal commitment through self-discovery and total acceptance of the past. My personal history is similar to many others. However, I have a gift that offers me the opportunity to speak with God in a unique and powerful way. I am creating my life with one thing in mind; making a difference in the world through open and honest communication.
My daily experiences altered both my personal and spiritual journey. Within the spiritual journey, I find God's grace through accepting my strengths and weaknesses. Lack of acceptance is driven out of fear, often times suppressing my relationship with God. I acknowledge my abilities, share when I can, and use these amazing gifts to the betterment of humankind. I believe there are no coincidences, and, as such, I have found God manifests Himself in a very personal way. He uses all things (physical, spiritual, or emotional) to share His presence every moment of every day. Life is a miracle, and each time I share it, I generate a moment of awe and wonder.
My life has been a series of moves, both physically and spiritually, and each one has offered me the opportunity to look at my personal commitments and level of integrity. Each choice I've made has been a lesson upon which I have built my current life. A totally fulfilled life begins with a dream; a dream worth not letting go.
In the end, all I will really have is who I am as an individual. No matter the differences I make (good or bad), who I am will be my final thoughts.
HIStory
Born on September 1, 1957 in Oklahoma City, OK, I am the eldest of three children. A lot has been written about birth order (firstborns are natural leaders; tend to be reliable, conscientious and perfectionists who don't like surprises; typically aggressive, many are also compliant people pleasers; model children who have a strong need for approval from anyone in charge, so THEY say), but it fell to me to mentor my brother, Kirby, and my sister, Kellee.
My parents, Kenneth and Virginia, are two very unique people. Married in 1953, they have endured the highs and lows of marriage, the death of their only daughter, the birth of eight grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. I wouldn’t say I understand their relationship, yet they have accepted what is, and have created the life that works for them.
I was much loved by my grandparents. The Sutton’s lived in Dallas, TX, and the Mauldin’s in Bethany, OK. Both sides believed family needed to know one another. Some of my favorite memories are of my childhood days at my grandparents. All the cousins would gather together and we would spend most of the day outside spitting watermelon seeds and eating fried chicken. The adults laughed, and the kids played. So 60s.
At eight years old, my parents choose to move from Oklahoma to Japan. Though I thought this might be fun, I was immediately brought back to reality when I was thrust into a totally different culture, not to mention the language barrier. During our first assignment in Fuchu, we lived off-base. I was immediately immersed in the Japanese culture, and soon realized that language was no barrier for kids.
The three years I lived in Japan were illuminating. I began to discover my intuitive gift (I call it a gift, because I truly believe they are a gift from God) around the time we moved to Japan. At the end of our three-year tour, I discovered I was attracted to boys. I liked girls, too, but I found a boy in 6th grade who became my ‘best’ friend. I don’t know if removing me from my comfort zone to the unknown opened me up to being intuitive and gay, or if it would have happened in Oklahoma, however, it was my years in Japan that changed my path.
Moving back to the States in 1969 brought new challenges. We began going to church on a regular basis. It was during this time that I started hearing a voice that I believed was God. I was being called to the ministry I listened to the voice, yet resisted because I believed there was more I needed to know. While on a teen choir tour, we gathered around the altar and began to pray for the upcoming performance. A voice I believe to be God began to have a conversation with another voice that was clearly not the voice of God. I do not remember the words that were exchanged, except that they were arguing about to whom I belonged. At the conclusion of the conversation, I fell back and when I opened my eyes. The entire teen choir was standing around and looking at me. I was apparently speaking audibly. I don't believe anyone understood what was being said, but one of my friends later told me there were different voices.
I began hearing, seeing, and knowing things. Not fully understanding what was happening, I knew my call to the ministry would transform my life, and I resisted. I retreated into myself. For fear of being ostracized, I learned to suppress the intuitive conversations. As a way to channel myself past agonizing confusion, I immersed myself into my sexual expression. I learned quickly to control my intuitive abilities, ferreting out potential partners, and fortuitously, I was 100% accurate with those I dared to approach. At the edge of seventeen, I found out that my expression was wrong. Anita Bryant (for those of you old enough to remember) and a dominant lexis of gay repression became daily news, and again, I found myself repressing another part of myself.
Feeling inadequate, I repressed who I was and focused on what I would become. There was no intention or plan. I simply became everything I wasn’t. I managed my internal conversations, and years passed as I lived in denial. I chose everything opposite of what I believed was my true destiny. I turned my back on all I knew to be true, and lived 'fully in charge.'
Through my choices, my life became painfully unhappy. I did what I did, yet who I had become felt like an alien. I followed the path expected of me. I married on December 11, 1982 in a beautiful Christmas wedding. It was very opulent and had all the bells and whistles. It was the wedding I'd always wanted. My future wife didn't care, as it was her third walk down the aisle. ‘I discovered my marriage was over on our honeymoon when she told me she had only married me because I had been the last person to have asked. I was crushed, and decided to make the best of a bad situation.
We welcomed Josh on October 25, 1983, and Jordan on October 25, 1985. Their birth became the most important moments of my life. During our eight year marriage, we struggled to be civil, yet with each passing day it became increasingly more difficult. We moved about every thirteen months hoping to find a better place, but unfortunately the same old people kept showing up.
In August of 1990, my wife decided she was in love with someone else. In an impassioned debate, she told me she was leaving. I was beaten down from the deceit and worthlessness. I didn’t care that she was leaving; however, I said in no uncertain terms that I was not leaving my sons with her. After days of bickering and defeatist stares, I walked away with my dignity and my boys.
Impacted by my choices, I had no place to go, so the boys and I moved into my parents’ home. For lack of a better understanding, when an adult child moves into a parent’s home, the dynamic reverts to moments resembling pre-school whimsy and teenage angst. Add two children under the age of 10, and the chaos begins.
In March 1991, I heard the voice again. I was in church as it spoke very clearly, and only once. ‘You no longer smoke,’ the voice said. As a medium-to-light smoker, I had always planned on stopping, but it was never the right time. All craving left my body and I quit that day with no nervous ticks, no hysteria, and I lost 20 pounds (if I could have bottled that miracle…$$$). I walked from the church a non-smoker, much to the chagrin of my fellow smokers.
In February 1993, my day began as usual. I got up, got the boys ready for and attended church, and returned home. Raised Nazarene, I ate the traditional Nazarene meal (roast beef, mashed potatoes, gravy, carrots, green beans and salad.) As was my usual routine following the meal, I left my parents' home for my regular walk.
I had lived with my parents since my divorce two years prior. The frustration and disappointment overwhelmed me. I had long-since learned to suppress my feelings as a means to having the situation work for me and the boys (six and eight.) Frustrated with being an adult child in my parents’ home, I gave into the anger brimming over the edge. I had just argued with my father; about what I can no longer remember. However, I do remember I was flat broke, extremely frustrated and experiencing (unbeknownst to me at the time) severe depression.
As I left the house, the effervescent feelings calmed as I looked forward to seeing my regulars on the path. As I reached the beginning of the path, which was just under a mile from the house, something felt very different. I immediately noticed that my talking companions normally ending their walk were absent.
Although it was an unusually warm day for February, the farther I walked not one person was on the path. Having suppressed my agitation until the quarter mile marker, I began to speak audibly. I started by cursing my life. I felt like I was an overwhelming failure. My disappointment shifted to frustration. I felt trapped inside a self-imposed labyrinth. Kids, parents, and, most of all, God; each independently and collectively contained me within an imperceptible prism of rainbow colors.
I began to play the blame game. I blamed God for everything. He had turned his back on me. I began to speak audibly, at first in a whisper, finally in a desperate cry for release. My anger traversed deep into my darkest place. With no answers readily available, I boldly began asking questions of God.
‘Why do I have to live like this?’, ‘Why can't I make enough money to get out of my parents house?’, and ‘How am I supposed to have a personal life with the responsibility of the boys and my parents watching my every move?’
Of course, I received no answers. The silence was deafening.
My frustration grew from questioning to a demand. I stopped and screamed to the heavens, ‘If you are really there, why won't you answer me?’
Suddenly, everything around me shifted. The trees fell silent, insects grew quiet, and my body became rigid. My eyes focused on the clouds moving slowly from left to right. At that moment, my mouth opened and a voice, clearly not mine, said, ‘And what would you have Me say?’
Not really expecting a response, I stood in awe in the place where God spoke. I awaited my response. I was speechless. God spoke, and I said nothing. It was in that moment that I knew my life would change forever. My heart opened fully as I began to see my greater purpose.
I had stopped listening. I had turned away from God. I realized at that moment that I was always an important part of Him. We were one; Two Hearts ~ Beating as One.
I didn't immediately shift every aspect of my life and being doing what I was meant to do. However, I began my journey by surrounding myself with like-minded individuals. Over time, I allowed my gifts to expand, and share it with others, expanding their experience.
In addition to sharing my intuitive gift, I began to write poetry, short stories and began a novel, Family Tree. However, deep down inside I knew I was supposed to write God's book. The title was clearly spoken, God Speaks. As was the pattern of my life, I resisted this conversation, as well as many others. For many years, and other books were written in the name of God. Conversations with God came out a year after my experience. I gave up my chance to be on the leading edge of the spiritual book craze, and buried my head in the sand once more.
I had known the call of God from a very young age. It was my unwillingness to choose God's will that sent me down my path to redemption. My doubletalk was apparent to my closest friends. They worked hard to dissuade me from succumbing to the ordinary. Fear allowed me to accept my life as it was, but the whisper of God never let me forget He wanted me for something bigger. My friends taught me to look beyond who I am to who I claim to be, forcing me to live a bigger life than I had planned for myself. Foremost, God led me to use His gifts to broaden the who I know myself to be, and experience the miracle of opening myself up to others, allowing His grace the opportunity to expand.
In May 1995, I received a miracle that fills me to this day. Mike M. came into my life for a brief, yet timeless, year. His love and gentle spirit expanded my soul beyond who I knew myself to be, and I found the strength to stand in the world as a complete gay man. We were not meant to share our lives but for a moment, yet we shared a love so genuine that I will carry it in my heart forever.
The next year, I attended the display of the AIDS Memorial Quilt on the Mall in Washington, DC. Following that remarkable day, I sent my Coming Out letter to my parents, family, and friends. I was stunned by my the reaction I received from everyone; loving, generous, and accepting.
Beginning in 2000, I immersed myself in Landmark Education. I took the Landmark Forum (3 days) in May, the Advanced Forum (3 days) in June, and the Self Expression and Leadership Program (4-months) beginning in August, and attended seminars as well. The following May, I joined the Team, Management, and Leadership Program (one-year). The next year, I enrolled in the Team, Management, and Leadership Program II (one-year.) Through these programs, I transformed my future from ordinary to extraordinary.
Through opening myself to education, I learned to create a possibility (a statement into which you can commit your life and be held accountable for generating who you are in the world), and recreate myself to be the best I can be. Through the two years, I created possibilities by which to empower my life.
The fulfillment of those possibilities came to fruition when as I neared the completion of my Team II commitment, the current Global Statistician asked me to consider becoming the Global Statistician for the Team, Management, and Leadership Program. As the Global Statistician, I would become a world-leader, accountable for the North American, Australia and Europe global statistics, and empowered to create growth within a program that had changed my life.
I accepted.
I experienced highs and lows during my eight-year commitment, yet it was my commitment to build teams, manage my circumstances to match my possibility, and create leaders that fulfilled me until my completion in February 2010.
Now, backtracking a bit, my life changed drastically in 2005. The moment I spoke the phrase, Living with the Top Down, I opened myself to all the possibilities. Prior to that moment, I had been living inside of a structured existence of other people's making. I was a successful Federal Government employee, had a two-bedroom condo, a new car, in modest debt and unquestionably unfulfilled. I had been living out the belief system of my family. I had reconnected with God, and was searching for my purpose.
Although I had been raised in an atmosphere where security was paramount in all career decisions, I was being led in a different direction. At the time, I didn't understand I needed to have a faith beyond anything I'd ever known to accept the life I was being drawn to; one that creates miracles and unfathomable results with every opportunity. The creation of Living with the Top Down began like every story.
Once upon a time…
At 48 years old, my life was one of solitude and remorse. My hopes and dreams were of creating something exceptional, something of a higher purpose, and living a passionate, fulfilled, successful life. Although I had attended many courses and seminars on living a fulfilled life, it was the mysterious voice that spoke to me so many years ago that echoed in my heart and mind. Although I had been raised in a very religious home, it was silently unacceptable to believe I might be called to a higher purpose. Outside of the stereotypical choices in life, I was taught to reject the extraordinary, and become responsible, ordinary, mundane…safe.
I lived my life within the confines of 'doing the right thing,' and my tyrannical depression grew. As I saw my life imploding, I chose to change my life. The circumstances which lead me to my current life are remarkable, extraordinary, and almost comical.
In November 2005, I planned a trip to Los Angeles. I landed in California, and was planning on spending the first week with my cousin in LA, and the second with my cousin in Thousand Oaks. I was attending the Team, Management & Leadership conference which fell between the two weeks. During the first week, I received a call from my boss asking me to return a week early because there had been a lay-off, and my contemporary had been let go. I told her I was not returning, so I was immediately placed on Absent Without Leave [AWOL.] The moment I heard that, I knew I had to make a change.
What I had planned as a trip to relax and reconnect became a time of planning and confirmation. I told my cousin when she came home from work that I was moving to California. She smiled, as she had heard this before, and said she would like that.
As was my habit, I had rented a convertible, but the first week was dank and cloudy. I attended the conference on the weekend and made my way to Thousand Oaks. The second week was warm and sunny. While my cousin was at work, I got in the car and drove to Malibu. I fell in love with the atmosphere.
After driving the PCH every day that week, I decided I was moving to Malibu. Upon my return home, I began telling people about my plan. Again, they had heard this before, so they listened to me as I talked about it for a couple of weeks, then my dream ended up in the nether world of everyone's listening.
It was around Thanksgiving that my passion became reborn. As I was traveling home from a gathering, my friend, Natalie and I were discussing the plan and how it would manifest. I started telling her about how it all happened, and then I said, ‘I want to live with the Top Down.’ I stopped and looked at her. I could see that this statement really touched her.
At that moment, my mantra became Living with the Top Down.
From that point forward, I was motivated beyond who I knew myself to be. I announced to my limited world that I was moving, I began planning my move to California. I started to think about how I might support myself. I was moving forward.
Suddenly, the obstacles appeared. The people at work smiled and nodded as I detailed my plans. My cousins, within several weeks of my return, said they planned on moving away from California. Stunned, I kept looking for jobs, yet found that California only offered what I was leaving.
I opened myself up further, and realized that it wasn’t Malibu I was interested in, but living at the beach. I had always wanted to live on the Outer Banks in North Carolina. I began consider North Carolina as a viable option. After learning more about the Outer Banks, I realized that it would be a great place to live during the summer, but during the winter, the place was devoid of activity.
Yes, I wanted some solitude, but I didn’t want to become a hermit. During a reading, someone mentioned Wilmington, NC. During the next three readings, each client mentioned Wilmington is some way. I began researching Wilmington and found that it was a large enough community so I wouldn’t miss the hubbub of Washington, DC, and it would have the culture I had come to expect in the DC environment.
I began my journey from ordinary to extraordinary by declaring my intention to move from my home of over twenty years to my dream location, the beach. I researched my locations, and was drawn to Oak Island, North Carolina, thirty miles outside Wilmington. The culmination of my search exploded when I found a reasonably priced condo four blocks from the beach available in the time frame in which I was looking.
In March 2006, I gave my notice to the Feds, and on June the 1st, I began my move to Oak Island. With a passion unlike any I'd ever experienced, I completed my move to Oak Island on June 16, 2006. I began living my dream by creating unprecedented opportunities. I felt compelled to do something bigger than I know myself to be. I reveled in the daily walks along the seashore, writing my first novel, creating a life full of love and laughter, and living fully with freedom and ease.
My journey to fulfillment came from creating my mantra, Living with the Top Down. This came from a dream of living at the beach and driving a convertible. However, when I began sharing the mantra, it took on a life of its own. It became living a life full of love and laughter, creating fully with freedom and ease. My life changed forever once I started sharing with others. I found that people want you to have what you want, because it gives them hope toward the future they want. I was given multiple chances to fulfill upon my purpose. It wasn't until I found my place in the world, and my place on the beach, that I was open and available for God to speak His Words to me. ‘I submitted to His Will, and wrote God Speaks A Dialogue in one day...my 49th birthday.
In July 2008, I began a remarkable time of renewal, reconnection, and re-creation. I generated a possibility that fully acknowledges who I am for myself and others. The possibility I am creating for myself and my life is the possibility of being the 'Voice of God.' This possibility provided me with a focus that if my words are not providing a platform for the spiritual and personal growth of others, I am not being the Voice of God. This possibility created a space where others shared themselves inside of God's intention for the world, and generated God's voice within themselves.
Whenever I lose my center and purpose, this possibility brings me back to where I am. My passion in life is fully generated through my faith, generosity and imagination. My creativity generates my life through technicolor glimpses of what can be, and creates the power that with love...anything is possible. My life is a constant reminder that life is a choice. Issues will occur, taking my focus off my greater goal, but it is how I handle the situation that creates the life in which I live.
I truly believe that every challenge is an opportunity waiting to be fulfilled. I am committed to making a difference in the world by using every tool at my disposal to empower those who may feel lost, are searching for unattainable dreams, or have become disenchanted with the expectations of others. I am also committed to generating the fulfillment of life, beyond the realm of happiness, on every level.
I began my journey through the creation of my mantra, Living with the Top Down. I later used my creativity and faith to become the author and publisher of my first book, God Speaks A Dialogue.
2010 was an exercise in release. I had to let go of many thoughts, ideas and material items to which I was extremely attached. Through the release process, I discovered that I was not only letting go of my own stuff, but of others as well. It became very clear to me when I began selling my material possessions in preparation for my move. I took inventory and began to realize that 65% of the items I had decided to sell had been given to me by others. It was a generous gift at the time, yet I laughed out loud as I realized I was literally caring for and moving other people's stuff for years. I joyfully released the old to make room for the new.
2011 brought a time of creation and reflection. With less encumbrances, I am free to create my life by design, share to make a difference, and generate so that others may fulfill on their dreams. I am in the process of generating the following companies: Mauldin Books and Shepherds Way Ministries. Each company will provide an outlet through which I will empower others in making a difference and sharing possibilities.